TeBlows

There is no good way to start this blog.  I do not like Tim Tebow.  I really don’t have a problem with Tim’s religious beliefs or his random acts of worship.  I don’t even have a problem with him being a sub par quarterback in the NFL.  The Indianapolis Colts, my favorite team, trotted out two quarterbacks this year that suck as bad if not worse than Tim Tebow.  Hell, there are plenty of bad quarterbacks starting for a NFL team right now. Just ask Chief, Seahawks, Cardinal, Browns, Dolphins, Redksins, Vikings, Jaguars, or Buccaneer’s fans. But I am not writing this about any of those team’s quarterbacks either.  You have to have that extra special suck for me to write about you. And boy does Tim Tebow have it.

ESPN spent one hour of their cornerstone program, “Sportscenter”, devoted completely to Tim Tebow.  Okay, maybe you are saying to yourself that Tim is one of the most talked about athletes there is now and ESPN was trying to pull in ratings. Sounds perfectly logical.  Obviously ESPN has done this in the past right? Brett Favre probably had an hour right? What about Barry Bonds? Maybe Michael Jordan? Nope, nope, and nope.  Someone who has only played twenty three games in his career has gotten a full hour devoted to him on the most popular sports program of all time when no other athlete ever has gotten that honor.

The only explanation for the large following Tim has gotten has to be the Evangelical sect of Christianity.  Tim has been able to pull in a massive amount of people that probably could have cared less about football before he came on the scene.  Evangelicals have an amazing ability to get out in droves and make something popular for no reason other than it carries their message.  Ever heard of a movie called “Fireproof”?  Probably not? Let me give you two facts about it: it was made for $500,000 and starred Kirk Cameron. It also came out in 2008 so it was a little past Kirk’s “Growing Pains” heyday.  Now guess how much that movie made. I will wait. A little more than it’s budget maybe? Try almost $34 million.  Yep, all because it carried a Christian message.  The same thing is happening with Tebow.

If Tim Tebow was a great quarterback and he had an hour dedicated to him it would annoy me.  Every time I see Tom Brady’s stupid smug face I want to punch my television and he has never gotten close to that kind of coverage.  But at least that guy is good. He has Superbowl rings, MVP awards, records. Tim Tebow has his virginity. I’m only going to count Tim’s professional accomplishments because, come on, college doesn’t factor into this. Tim has a Heisman. You know who else does? Tim Couch, Troy Smith, Matt Leinhart, Jason White, and Chris Weinke. Oh by the way, that is just some people that have won the award from 2000. So if you want to use the Heisman as a reason that Tebow is so great please don’t forget about those outstanding award winners.

But Eric, Tim has only been playing in the league for two years and still has time to prove himself.  Fine, valid point, by why does he get a full hour and all of this hype? It stands to reason that if I can’t judge him because he hasn’t gotten enough time then he shouldn’t be getting this kind of coverage.

Lets get down to the nitty gritty. Lets look at the stats for the athlete that caused Sportscenter to do what it never has before for any other athlete.  A Quarterback’s main job is to throw the ball to a receiver.  The best statistic to start with is completions.  Tim had 126 for the year.  You know who had more? Curtis fucking Painter. Come to think of it EVERY other quarterback in the NFL had more completions.  Tim was 33 out of 33 quarterbacks in completions for the 2011 season.  Tim also had an hour of Sportscenter all to himself.  Perhaps you are saying to yourself, “ok, maybe he threw less than anyone else.” Nope, while Tim didn’t make that many pass attempts he did rank 30 out of 33.  Which would make his completion percentage 46.5%. Once again that make him dead last in how often he hit his receivers in the league.  His percentage was 4.3 worse than anyone else in the league. It was 7% worse than the guy two spots ahead of him.  This is happening in an era where there have been rules made to open up the passing game.  Records for quarterbacks are being broken every year and sometimes more than once a season.  In the midst of this Tim Tebow is breaking records in a bad way. And he gets an hour of Sportscenter all to himself. To give Tim credit he doesn’t have the lowest rating in the NFL because he has only thrown six interceptions.  That is a really low number and must be commended. That is until you watch a full Tim Tebow game and he so completely misses his own receivers that defensive backs have no chance to get an interception.

An argument I have heard is that Tebow “just wins”. Well unless he his playing a team with a winning record that is.  How many teams with a winning record did Tim Tebow beat this year? One. And that team had enough injuries that they would have struggled to beat a lot of teams in the NFL.  Tim also had the game of his life and it still took them getting to overtime to win that game.

The best way to express to you how bad Tim Tebow sucks is with this personal story.  Once Tim became the starter for the Broncos he was playing at an astoundingly bad level.  My girlfriend and I thought it would be fun to invent the easiest drinking game of all time.  Every time Tim completed a pass we would take a shot of vodka.  Now if we had played this game with Drew Brees we would have probably taken a total of thirty shots. Drew Brees would have killed us.  What did Tim Tebow do to us? Nothing. We couldn’t even get drunk. He completed so few passes in a game that even though we were taking a shot of vodka for every one he couldn’t even get us drunk.  Tim Tebow…you suck.

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The beginning of the suck.

I think I may have a problem.  I seem to hate quite a few things.  Now don’t get me wrong, I still get quite a bit of joy out of life and all it has to offer.  But it seems that I get quite a bit of joy out of finding the suck in a lot of things.  Maybe you will read this, shake your head in agreement, and say to yourself, “this does suck, I agree.” Truth be told I hope you read this and think, “I never realized it or thought to much about it but, yes, that does indeed suck!”

With that terrible introduction I proudly present to you the reason this blog got started. It is my muse. It has inspired me to put myself out there and share with you all the disdain I have for random things I have been exposed to. The Fox show “Mobbed”.

I did not actively seek out this show by any means.  For those unaware this is a show broadcast by Fox on a now weekly basis.  The creators of this monstrosity unleashed on mankind decided that they would take the fun, spontaneity, and charm from all of those flash mob videos you have seen on Youtube and strip them of all of those traits. I have enjoyed countless number of flash mob videos and have wanted to participate in one myself. So please don’t think that this post comes from a long seated hatred of such events.  While watching something else that probably didn’t suck, I don’t know for sure, my girlfriend saw an advertisement for this human train wreck.  She too thought highly of flash mobs and immediately found the next airing and DVRed it.

At this point I feel that you should know that this program stretches out to an hour in length.  If you just read that statement and said to yourself, “hey now, I’ve watched a few of those flash mob videos and they only last for a few minutes. How can they stretch it out into an hour?”  Well, the only answer I have for you is that they can’t.

Now I have never been part of a flash mob so I can only assume the reasons behind one.  Most videos I have seen seem to be put on by people who want to perform in public unexpectedly and entertain surprised people for a short period of time.  There are however some videos where the flash mob perform to surprise a specific person and lead to an event.  Yep, an engagement.  While this is entertaining the idea becomes weak after the first couple and seems unoriginal.  This is where “Mobbed”  takes it’s inspiration.

As I type this out I have now seen three episodes. I do not wish this upon anyone else.  The sad thing is that there are probably millions of people who have seen these same three episodes and love this show.  This is one of the reasons I think that our species will die out.  At the very least the movie “Idiocracy” will come true and that is fucking frightening.  Here is the premise of the three episodes I have seen.

Episode one: A negligent father has ignored his daughter and the only way to win her love back is by having a giant flash mob dance for her.

Episode two: A man who has been talking online to a girl for five years wants to move across the country to date her and the only way to express these feeling is through a giant flash mob.

Episode three: A woman has hidden her divorce and her child from her mother from five years and wants to tell her. Of course the only way to do this is by doing it with a flash mob.

The only one of these that even remotely would work with a flash mob is episode two.  Episode one is a situation that is handled better by the father entering an arm wrestling contest, winning a bad ass truck, and getting the love of his child back. (Over the Top reference in my first post!!!)  I don’t even know where to begin with episode three. Years of family therapy? A Hallmark card? A phone call? Pretty much anything besides a flash mob would probably work.

Before we get any deeper I have to mention that the show is hosted by this guy:

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Yep, Howie “when was I ever funny?” Mandell

Personally, if I was dealing with a very difficult situation I didn’t know how to handle, the last person I would want help from is him.  Now he did voice Gizmo in Gremlins, create Bobby’s World, and from what I understand had some funny stand up comedy back in the 80s.  But all he has done recently is have some terrible segments on the worst talk show ever (The Late Show with Jay Leno) and host the worst game show ever (Deal or No Deal, I guarantee that I will write about that in the future).  The only way he can still be on television is that all the mouth breathers out there find him mildly entertaining.  Anyone with a shred of intellect despises this man.

People with issues that most of us will never encounter and hope we never have to face are going to solve them by a bunch of stranger dancing around? This is what Charles Barkley has to say about this show:

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Let me recap the first episode for you. A white guy, around his fifties, has let his life fall apart.  He was never there for his daughter, who is 18, and his marriage his heading for divorce.  It seems that him and his wife lost a son so when they had a daughter he just didn’t give a fuck.  I’m not kidding. That is his attitude.  Apparently the prospect of dying alone got too much for him so he decided to stop being such a dick.  How do you make up for 18 years of neglect and douchebaggery? Maybe hard work?  Acts of showing that you will be there for the person and with a lot of time get back a relationship that you missed? Therapy at least? Nope, flash mob. I don’t even know where to begin with how asinine that premise is.  When you are a child the most important people to you are your parents. When one of them is horrible to you for 18 years I don’t think that a choreographed song and dance will fix that.  But this show wants to trick you into believing just that.

When they are setting up the flash mob this is their idea to surprise this poor broken down girl: they will invite her to participate in a daughter and father concert because she is a band geek and plays the flute. Oh yeah, they are also going to have the dad NOT show up and then BAM the flash mob starts as she is told this.  Now think about this. This girl has had a lifetime of a terrible father not showing up for things. You are doing this television show to show her how sorry he is and how he wants to be there for her. So how do you start it? By doing the same FUCKING thing she has been putting up with for 18 FUCKING years and you are trying to reverse. How does this make any fucking sense? This is like working with an arsonist and the first step of helping him with his issues is by having him burn down a hospital.  It is idiotic.  Needless to say it begins and you can literally see her heart breaking. Now I couldn’t find a picture of how sad this girl looked so instead I will show you a picture of Ralph Wiggum on The Simpsons when Lisa broke his heart.

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Picture a teenage girl that has been dealing with some deep issues her entire life with that face.  Same thing.  The flash mob and the girl has a mixture of heart break, confusion, and terror on her face now.  This is just terrible. This poor girl is now stuck in a situation that anyone of us would be confused about and she has to deal with her daddy issues. I will try to save some time and just tell you that they lead her to her father and her mom is also there but not with him.  He gives a speech about how sorry he is, how he was a dick for how he treated her, and how he wants to be a part of her life.  The girl starts to cry and it starts to look good for everyone.  Wait, 18 years of neglect can not be fixed in an instant. There will have to be years of hard work ahead for both of these people. We barely have time to process these thoughts before the guy turns to his estranged wife and gives another speech.  He gives her a speech too about his dickery and begs her to give them another chance.  The sad part about this is that his speech to the wife was twice as long to the daughter.  This whole sham quickly turned from being about a father reconnecting with his daughter to him trying to get his wife back.  The daughter stands there once again feeling the pain of being pushed aside and not cared about.  The episode end with the guy holding his wife, turned into her, and his back to his daughter. He talks about how happy he is to be with his wife again as the daughter stands behind him looking like someone who had a puppy and it was horribly killed. Then she got another puppy and it too died by terrible means. She then got another puppy who died from puppy aids. This is how sad this girl looks.

Lets recap: this show is suppose to solve people’s problems by having a flash mob spring instant cheer and dissolve any issues these people have. In the first episode it can safely be assumed that they actually caused more problems to this poor girl because everything she had been with happened to her TWICE more and this time on NATIONAL TELEVISION!  Feel good tv right there.

On to episode two we go! This episode involves a man who has been talking to a girl online for five years and they have never met. Now this being a Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks movie he is helplessly in love with her and wants to be with her.  Yes, you have seen this romantic comedy before, but you’ve never seen it with a flash mob! TWIST!  Now we know where this guy is at with his life: playing in a band he has been in for ten years (they formed in high school so they have to be good, right?), willing to move across the country for a girl he has never met, and I assume he lives at home…just saying.  As a set-up to the flash mob they get to interview the girl under the guise that she will be on a dating show. I have to point out that this guy is madly in love with a girl he has never met and she has no problem going on televised dating shows. How could this possibly work? She is in a completely different place than him that even blind and deaf people know this can’t work out.  Well they interview her and find out a couple of things. For one she is into bad boy with a wild side and tattoos. I can tell you that the guy is very, very, very far from both of these things.  She also feels that once people become friends that they can’t date because obviously the spark wasn’t there. If I’m not mistaken I believe that if you talk to someone online for five years and never meet that means you are strictly friends.  With this knowledge you would think that anyone with a heart would say to the guy that maybe this isn’t a good idea. But no, we have a tv show to make, onward!

They set this one up by having the girl go on a fake dating show where it goes horribly wrong and the mob kicks in.  Part of the plan is to have the girl get on an elevator. Nothing bad there right? Oh wait, she is deathly afraid of being on an elevator. Do they change this to avoid her having a break down? No. Howie actually ridicules her for this fear and says she will be able to handle it.  This from the same guy who has a fear of germs and refuses to touch or be touched by people.  This asshole has no compassion for her fear but expects people to be thoughtful of his. I hate you Howie. You are a horrible, horrible person.  The guy hired to play her date on the show is introduced to our hero and guess what? Our guy doesn’t like him. Probably because the actor is good looking, has an edge, and tattoos. Everything the girl is into. The date starts and I kid you not she is really into him. Well he turns into a jerk, the mob kicks in, and the girl becomes confused to the point of looking like she is going to throw up.  The girl begins to babble, shake, and her eyes dart around a lot. Symptoms that say she is not ok with what is going on and wants to run away.  Eventually she meets the guy and is a little scared. As in, “how do I get out of this place as quick as fucking possible,” scared.

At this exact moment she is looking for a way to get out of there. This poor girl is trapped.  She says that he is her best friend she has never met.  As he spills his heart to her she does not return the sentiment.  In fact, she seems to be more interested in everyone else besides him.

I imagine she saw a guy in a funny hat at this moment.  There seems to be a common theme forming here.  People go along with this awful crap simply because they are on television in front of millions of people.  She agrees to date him as he has all of his stuff there ready to move across the country just for her.  Now she seems slightly excited at this but it is about as excited as I get at the supermarket when I find the one ripe cantaloupe in the bin.  They walk off and I imagine a few dates in she calls the whole thing off as he moves back to the east coast to his mom’s house.

We have now reached the end of this human catastrophe trilogy.  The best has been saved for last.  This woman has kept a secret from her mother for over five years.  She has gotten a divorce from her husband and has a five year old son.  Obviously you are saying to yourself that is terrible and I can’t believe they haven’t spoken for five years.  But you would be wrong, they still talk, they get together, they are actively in each other’s lives. This woman has hidden a child and divorce from her mother through what can only be assumed is some amazing lying and cunningness.  This woman wants to tell her mother about her years of deceit and introduce her to her grandson so the only answer is….FLASH MOB!

I believe that this show jumped the shark at episode one. If there is any sane person that has enjoyed the show up to this point even they would say, “no fucking way, I’m out.”  The set-up for this one is that they have to fly them out to California to be on a game show.  The game show premise actually sounds a million times better than Deal or No Deal so I hope Howie Mandell died a little bit on the inside.  They spend most of the episode building up how hateful the mom is by explaining that the woman could never tell her about her situation because she was afraid of the reaction she would get.  Every shot of the mom shows her to be angry and evil. So the mob gets to going, the woman reveals her secret, and the reaction is….tepid. She is neither angry nor excited. She is just kind of there.  I forgot to mention that the brilliant idea to introduce the son was to hide him in a giant box, have him walk out in a suit, and say, “I’m your grandson.”

Out of all the reactions I have seen so far the mom/grandmother’s is the most troubling. She is neither happy nor pissed. Her level of not caring is very sad.  Even if she was angry at least it would have been an emotion.  This poor child finally meets his grandmother and will probably want to spend time with her and she could care less.

This might be the worst show I have ever seen.  It is by far the worst thing a major network has ever put on.  You are stretching out a gimmick that people only care about for five minutes at a time to a full hour.  You are taking people with some deep psychological issues and exploiting them to pull at the heart strings of your audience.  The creators, host, producers are further destroying these people’s lives to hopefully drive up ratings and get more money for themselves.  I can not tell you how much this show sucks.

In the future I hope to cover more television as it is a never ending flow of things that suck.  Films, sports, music, food, and many other things will be covered.  Enjoy the ride…this is going to suck.

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